Best accessed on desktop.

Sensitive content will be marked like this, and can be accessed by hovering over the text with your cursor.

Go back?

Hi. Literally cannot emphasize enough how terrible things are right now. I am effectively out of a source of money for summer semester and I have a 7-swipe meal plan, so. It's time to forcibly diet, I suppose.

My friend's birthday is tomorrow, so I'm going to make tteokbokki for everyone with fish cakes and green onions and possibly some dumplings and sausage if I can afford it with whatever I have left in my account. I'm also going on a day trip on Friday which I wish I could be excited about if it wasn't for how expensive it's going to be, inevitably.

I'm not religious, but if you are, please keep me in your prayers. Sigh. I understand that things will be okay in the end, but it can be so difficult to believe sometimes.

listening to: Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny) by the Pussycat Dolls and But Not Kiss by Faye Webster
looking forward to: My day trip on Friday

P.S. - It can be so humiliating being lower middle class when everyone around you is financially stable. I am exhausted of bearing the same financial expectations as my more-fortunate peers.

I survived my seven page essay... I have another, 2000 word paper due in three days, but it's about homebrewing in Dungeons and Dragons, so I should probably be fine. I'm not too worried or concerned about it, especially since I'm worldbuilding a personal project right now.

It's funny seeing my last blog entry after all that. I was really going through it. But, like I thought: everything was alright in the end. None of this is important, though. What is important, is that:

I'm back at home!!! Life is good when my parents pay for all my food, and I don't have a roommate... not that my roommate is awful, I just enjoy having a room to myself.

I do have to start confronting my fear of being alone in the dark again, though, because I don't have a roommate. I'll be fine either way. I'm excited to get back to campus after this short break though (I'm doing a summer semester so that I can graduate early!) because I'll be rooming with one of my best friends. I love her a lot. I feel as if - despite the clear differences in our personalities, especially with her being much more sociable than me, I think - she's one of the few people on Earth who understands me as much as a normal person can understand me.

Also, I'm not framing myself as 'weird' as a way to make myself sound special. I'm not. I'm just bizarre, and eccentric, and just a little bit off of my rocker, and I've known this for a long time, but there isn't anything wrong with that. I'm just different, not better or worse than anyone, and that's okay, I think. Probably.

I'm different, but I'm as unsure of myself as anyone else... haha!

listening to: HOT TO GO! by Chappell Roan
looking forward to: Going to the beach this summer, hehe ♪

I'm sad and tired and I feel very useless. But I will be alright maybe.

listening to: I'm crying on a straight road (world's end girl friend remix) by Eel
looking forward to: being done with work and going home, eating yummy treats, rewatching Dune tonight with friends

I'm at the tail end of my second semester in college, about to finish my 'first year' here - excluding the summer semester that's starting in three weeks or so. I'll have a week or two of break before I'm thrust back into an academic nightmare, but I'll enjoy my downtime while I can. It's brutal out here.

I recently went on a trip to the American midwest with my boyfriend to meet some of his family and to watch the solar eclipse. I had a lot of fun - I wasn't expecting to fare so well socially as sociability isn't a trait I particularly excel in, but I got along really awesomely with everyone I wanted to get along with. The eclipse itself was mesmerizing and provided a lot of inspiration for an original universe I'm working on, but I think I was more interested in the goat cheese we were eating at the time. In hindsight, I probably should have been paying more attention in the moments leading up to totality.

The trip is most likely the most enjoyable event I've experienced this semester besides one of my best friends from home coming to visit for a few days. Grade-wise I've been alright, but I'm really dreading writing two final papers for two different classes, both of which are due in the next week.

I will be fine in the end, though. I'm having fun overall. Hopefully, life will get... less stressful? We'll see... (;´д`)ゞ

listening to: Folie à Deux (Album) by Fall Out Boy (boyfie's choice)
looking forward to: being able to draw for fun soon...

Hello diary, I'm back. I don't really know if I want to use proper grammar or not. Usually, I really have only typed in lowercase, but as I've grown older I've started to capitalize my phrases more and more. I'm not sure if it's a sign of maturity or not. I think I'm just growing into a different person.

That is honestly kind of a scary thing to say. I've been thinking about growing up a lot lately, moreso than I usually do. I'm unsure if I touched upon this in the last entry, but I definitely at least said something similar. Coming to terms with growing up is something I've really grappled with since I gained consciousness, really. I don't know what it means to be an adult. And I understand - all adults are just children pretending to know what they're doing, or at least that's what people, but that doesn't change that I still feel unprepared to go out into the world on my own.

I recently discovered that the Chiikawa theme song is on Spotify, and just today I've listened to it twenty-seven times. Chiikawa is a Japanese children's show starring a little bear and his two best friends, a yellow rabbit and a cat with blue ears, playing out in the forest and going on little adventures. I am fond of it, despite not having the time to watch it regularly. This isn't a particularly anomalous occurrence; I don't have the time to watch TV at all. And I think that is part of what tears me up most about it.

Ignorance and naivety are two traits that I admire deeply. I want to be stupid and small again. I very often wish I was a little bear running about with a rabbit and a cat by my side, both of whom are equally clueless about the world's many cruelties: loans, grades, and the job market.

What, is it already morning? I'm talking to myself. I spread butter on the toasted bread...
-ひとりごつ (Chiikawa OP)

It's okay. I'll be out of this slump soon. I just have to busy myself with work again, I think. I have commissions on the backlog, anyway...

listening to: ひとりごつ from the Chiikawa OST
looking forward to: getting my exam and essay over with already...

hello diary. this is my first entry into you.

i don't think i'm going to make this a daily thing or anything, just because i don't have enough time to write or even enough notable things going on in my life to discuss. but i will try to update this... somewhat regularly, as in not leave this page hanging for more than a few weeks.

anyway... to the entry! i've been doing kind of badly recently and i'm not really sure where all of it's coming from. i'm vaguely aware of one of the sources - an unfulfilled, constant, stinging longing for my childhood - but that's always plagued me, so i'm not sure why now would be much different...

i'll be okay in the end, though, regardless of how things might be now. that's always been my philosophy: things will always be okay in the end, and if they aren't okay, then it's not the end. i think it's a pretty great philosophy to go by, and it's gotten me through many very difficult times.

for now, here is a list of things i am grateful for: my boyfriend, Whole Foods' $3 strawberry shortcake cups, my new loft bed, the rain, oil pastels, and rei ayanami/kaworu nagisa's monologue in the End of Evangelion.

We are the hope that people will one day understand each other and we are the words 'I love you.' - Rei Ayanami/Kaworu Nagisa, the End of Evangelion

the world has a lot of good in it. you just need to look. i hope we all have a great day! (*^_^*)

listening to: BAREFOOT IN THE PARK by Shiro Sagisu
looking forward to: the surprise party my roommate is throwing this week